The World As We Know It

News Desk. Mark and Jill are the presenters.

MARK:
Hello, and welcome to the six o’clock news.
On tonight’s programme, headlines and views
From our correspondents, and a special report
On the state of the nation, followed by sport.

RISK boardgame held behind Jill’s shoulder.

JILL:
The top story tonight: ten more men have died
Somewhere abroad, though which war and which side
Is as yet unclear, but we’ll keep you abreast
Of the story as soon as it comes to the desk.
On the off chance this happened in central Iraq,
Tom is right there. Tom?

Enter Tom, stage right, in a helmet.

TOM:
“IT’S ALL GONE TO FUCK!”

Exit

JILL:
Good report, thanks, Tom. More on that later.

MARK:
His reports just keep getting greater and greater.

Both chuckle.

Swirly nonsensical graph held over Mark’s shoulder.

In domestic news now - a credit crunch crisis.
It’s affecting everything from homes to oil prices.
The people are angry - it seems there’s frustration
On the streets of London as to the state of the nation.

JILL:
Is our country in really dire straits,
Or is it just fuss over oil and crime-rates?
Are we heading for complete revolution,
And if so, what now? What’s the solution?
For answers we’re live with our man on the ground:
Can you hear us there, Doug?

Enter Doug, stage left, microphone in hand.

DOUG:
“Yeah, Jill, what we’ve found
By talking to voters (and tapping their houses)

Anchors smile knowingly.

Is the workforce of Britain, and their children and spouses,
Are fed right up to here with the dire situation,
And have decided, en masse, to dissolve the nation.
According to some, we’ve the teachers to blame -
Their month-long strike saw the first angry flame
Being touched to a rag in a spirit-filled bottle,
And there’s been an increase in teenagers throttled.
The schools have run riot since exams were abolished,
And hospitals nationwide have all been demolished.
The graffiti behind me, I’m not sure if it’s clear,
Carries the message Health Service Wos ‘Ere.
It’s a national exodus, we’re all making a dash
For somewhere that doesn’t suffer a shortage of cash.
Just before coming on, I spoke to one man
Who’s sold all his children and is off to Japan.

Enter Punter #1 to stand next to Doug.

PUNTER #1:
‘We’ve lost all our fields, all our streets, all our beaches,
We’ve got nothin’ left ‘cept mud and tinned peaches.
I couldn’t afford to feed the rest of my kin,
So I sold them all off, me wife, and the twins.
They’re off to the Loire, to work in the camps –
I woulda kept all of them, but they’re worth more in stamps.’

Exit Punter #1

DOUG:
He left us soon after, his life in two boxes,
But was immediately jumped on by a pack of wild foxes.
Meanwhile, in Reading... What? Are you sure?!
I thought they’d run off – they’ve come back for more!!!”

Doug is attacked by a fox. A bloody huge, real one if possible. Exit Doug, RIP.

MARK:
Did you just say foxes? Doug, are you there?
We seem to have lost him, he’s no longer on air.
For his view on this, we have on the show
Our new Prime Minister. PM, as you know,
The country is waiting for your own opinion
On what is happening in our fine dominion.
How do you answer the charges put forward
That all this is a result of your policies warward?

PM appears stage right.
PM:
Hello, and thanks, I’m glad that you asked.
Myself, the Cabinet and Government are tasked
With ensuring the safety of our commonwealth
And delivering on issues such as education and health.
We’ve a proven track record, at this moment in time,
And I don’t think it’s healthy for some to malign
The great job we’ve done, or to cast the first stone,
Since most of their sleaze is downright overblown.

MARK:
I’m sorry, what sleaze? We’re talking about war
And how’s it’s overstretched our military corps.
Should we be fighting? Just answer the question.

PM:
Well, frankly I’m appalled at your unfounded suggestion
That we’re mired in sleaze, we’re clean as a whistle,
And there’s really no need for the deputy’s dismissal.

MARK:
Could you be clearer? We haven’t even mentioned
The deputy prime minister, why bring him to attention?
I know of no one who’s tried to attack
Your second-in-command, or said he should be sacked.

PM:
Well that’s ridiculous, we’re doing nothing of the sort
And anyone who says he should be in court
Over that issue of the leaked memoranda
Is spreading the Opposition’s vile propaganda.

MARK:
I’m confused. You’re saying he leaked information?

PM:
What proof have you got for that accusation?

MARK:
What accusation? I’m repeating your words!

PM:
I deny that! Shrewdly What have you heard?

MARK:
Oh God.

PM:
Yes, what?

MARK:
I’m not talking to you.

PM:
Why not?

MARK:
It’s no use.

PM:
Well, I’m off to the loo.

MARK:
Prime Minister, before you void your digestions,
Could you please just sit down and ANSWER THE QUESTIONS?

PM:
What questions are they? I’ve been more than clear
About my intentions for this coming year.
We’ll probably cut taxes, improve education,
Be ever more determined to fulfil obligation.

MARK tired:
The question of war. Are relationships mending
Between the army and you, or is there no sign of it ending?

PM:
Of course there are signs, but we try to ignore them,
The public are edgy and we don’t want to bore them.

MARK:
This is the point! The public are worried
That into an eternal struggle we’ve hurried!
What can you say that’ll assure the nation
That we do have cause for some celebration?

PM:
According to up-to-date government figures
We’re maintaining our British upper-lip rigour.

MARK:
Our stiff upper-lip? Is that all we have going?
What about these pictures we’re currently showing
Of bombed foreign countries and riots in London
And Molotov cocktails thrown by the masses redundant?

PM:
I see what you mean. Will it help keep the peace
If I finally cashier the Chief of Police?
Between you and me, it’s no fault of his own,
But we’re willing to sacrifice the uniformed drone.

MARK:
Prime Minister, do you realize that you’re live on air?

PM:
What? How come? I wasn’t made aware!

MARK:
You’re addressing the nation, the broadcast is live.

PM gathering himself:
My dear people, as always I’ll strive
To lead our country to new heights of power,
And while it may seem that all’s turning sour,
Let me assure you we’ve never been stronger.
Whispers Will that do, or does it need to be longer?

MARK:
I think that’s all we have time for, Prime Minister,
So thanks for your views so sincere and so sinister.
Well, viewers, it seems it’s worse than we thought,
But to take your mind off it, here’s Mike with the sport.

Enter Mike, stage left, at a desk with a tennis ball on it.

MIKE:
Cheers guys, yes, welcome, and what a day it has been!
Man U have all drowned, along with the England XV,
The tennis was cancelled due to a shower of toads,
And the Tour de France abandoned due to ice on the roads.
It’s not all bad news though, we did well in the cars,
And the Beckhams have finally fucked off back to Mars.

Exit Mike.

MARK:
Thanks Mike, but this is a pre-watershed show
And use of profanity’s a definite no-no.
Now we go back, it was in Baghdad
Where we’ve lost seven brothers, two sons and a dad.
Can you hear us now, Tom? What’s it like there?

Enter Tom, stage right, with wet crotch and helmet.

TOM:
I’VE JUST PISSED MYSELF AND I’VE LOST ALL MY HAIR!

Exit Tom

JILL:
Thanks Tom. Well it sounds like it’s all going to plan
Despite some proverbial hitting the fan.
But right now to remind us that we’re all in it together
Here’s Geoffrey with all the latest in weather.

Enter Geoffrey, stage left, with a blackboard.

GEOFFREY:
Thanks Jill, and yes, we’re certainly united
Under a sky that’s so infernally benighted.
According to calendars, summer is done
Though I’m not really sure if it ever begun.
Looking at the map, the best way to explain
Is simply to state, We’re in for some rain.

Exit Geoffrey.

JILL:
Umbrellas all round then, cheers for that Geoff.
Breaking news now, a school for the deaf
Was raided this morning by armed police
Who acted, according to their press release,
On being tipped-off that the pupils therein
Were acting suspiciously, and not “fitting in”.

Enter Punter #2 and Reporter, stage right.

PUNTER #2:
Well, they’re new here, see, and we’re a community,
And I’m all for stuff like equal opportunity,
But they were actin’ all odd, and weren’t joinin’ in
With the local kids here, who’re friendly as sin.
So we watched right close, you can never be sure,
We wanted to know if kids and jobs were secure.
And just when we thought we owed an apology
For not fully welcomin’ their ideology
I was walkin’ back home one morning after,
And I hear, over there, a sudden burst of laughter.
So I look around, and I see these two kids
But somethin’s not right, and I blink my lids,
And blow me! They’re talking in code!
Silent assassins on my bloody road!
So I try to act normal, but they’re lookin’ my way,
Their eyes all suspicious, so with no delay
I briskly walked home, and rang 999.
Well, we can’t have our neighbours talking in sign!
They might just be kids, but I read in the Sun
That Al Qaeda like to recruit from the young.

REPORTER:
You think there are links between the school and Al Qaeda?

PUNTER #2:
Maybe not, but you got to check every outsider.

REPORTER:
So you have been watching these kids for a while?
When do you think they first turned hostile?

PUNTER #2:
I’m not quite sure, but I think that I knew
Ever since they moved in, you kept seeing clues.
Like the signing, of course, which confirmed my fears,
But I’ve seen a few with bugs in their ears.

REPORTER:
Bugs, did you say?

PUNTER #2:
Yeah, you know, electronic.

REPORTER:
You mean like an earpiece that’s telephonic?

PUNTER #2:
Yeah, I seen ‘em on telly, they use ‘em in Spooks,
And that American one where they lose all the nukes.

REPORTER:
You mean 24?

PUNTER #2:
Yeah, that’s the one,
Well, he’s always got a bug and a gun.

REPORTER:
What are you saying? You’ve seen them with guns?

PUNTER #2:
Not yet, no, but I bet they’ve got tonnes.

Reporter nudges Punter #2 back into the wings.

REPORTER:
As you can see, the school is surrounded,
And the growing tension is only compounded
By the lack of contact between their side and our own;
It seems they’re refusing to pick up the phone.
We can see quite a few through a classroom window,
And from where I’m standing, it seems almost as though
They’re facing one way, sitting in lines,
And, yes! I can see it. They are using signs!
Over to you, I’ll keep you updated
As soon as we get this secret code translated.

Exit Reporter.

MARK:
Thank you for that, quite a tense scene
We’re seeing over here on our studio screens.
We’ll update our viewers with that breaking story,
Relish And will immediately return if it looks to get gory.
And now back to Iraq: Tom, how does it look?

Enter Tom, stage right, on his knees.

TOM:
MY KINGDOM FOR A SODDING CHINOOK!!!

JILL:
Thanks Tom, we come back to you soon.
But meanwhile back home, it seems that this June
Is bringing a flood on a biblical scale
So Greenpeace is trying to get us to sail.
Phil Potts is with us live from Regent’s Park,
Where the charity’s building a fibre-glass ark.
Hi Phil, what can you tell us?
Good idea or just overzealous?

Enter Phil in hard hat and goggles, stage left, shouting.

PHIL:
Everyone here seems completely convinced
That the world as we know it is in for a rinse.
Looking at blueprints they’ve released to the press
This superboat’s built to hold in excess
Of two hundred thousand species of beast
From Indian elephants to dishes of yeast.
There’s two of each, of course, except those proven textually
To be able to reproduce completely asexually.
Behind me you see they’re building a fridge
To keep certain things from reaching the bridge.
The yeast seems to breed in such a fast rush
They’re frightened the whole boat could catch terminal thrush.

JILL:
And what about humans, who gets to board
This potentially crucial zoological hoard?

PHIL:
Ay, there’s the rub, for I’ve just been told
They will only take two in their cavernous hold.
There was great discussion amongst the team leaders
About who should get to be human race breeders.
Eventually, I’m told, they came to a decision
And saw that the way to choose lay in television.
And so, this week, we can all text-vote,
To see who gets to go on the boat.
The number to text should now be seen
Scrolling along the bottom of your screen.
The rules are as follows: You can only vote once,
No voting for yourself, no ex-members of hunts,
They’d prefer it to be someone with experience agrarian,
And the contest is open only to strict vegetarians.
The results go out live and on internet feed,
The show replacing this year’s Children In Need.

JILL:
Only two? And we let drown the rest of the race?

PHIL:
Well quite, I asked them if that was the case,
And they said that the best bet was run to the hills,
Or otherwise grow a nice pair of gills.

JILL:
Sarcasm aside, Phil, I can’t quite believe it,
How are Greenpeace going to achieve it?

PHIL:
To answer that, Jill, I’ve got standing here
Orvill Levington, their chief engineer.
Orvill, you’ve been working on this how long?

Enter Orvill, a beardy-weirdy with a welding torch.

ORVILL welding something:
About seven years now, and still going strong.

PHIL:
About seven years? And we’ve only just been told?!

ORVILL still welding:
I know, but we wanted to withhold
The info from Al Gore – the bastard stole our song!
We tell the world where it has gone wrong!
Then he comes along and you all pay attention
And we don’t even get one bloody mention.

PHIL:
So this is revenge for lime-light nicked by Gore?

ORVILL:
Yep.

PHIL:
That’s evil.

ORVILL:
Bet he’s lecturing no more.
But anyway, you asked how we’re gonna do it.
It’s not very hard, I’ll talk you through it:
So far, we’ve managed to get five thousand volunteers,
More have signed up today than in all the last 20 years.
With a workforce so willing it’s hardly a surprise
That it’s incredibly easy to build a boat of this size.

PHIL:
Are there really five thousand? But if they know what’s in store
What in God’s name are they doing it for?
If this huge flood comes, and only two can survive
How are the rest of us going to stay alive?

ORVILL:
It’s a bugger, I know, but what can you do?

PHIL:
Why not build a boat that could take some more crew?

ORVILL:
Then we wouldn’t raise the money from all the text-votes,
And we’re not at all sure if the thing really floats.

PHIL:
So we’re all doomed.

ORVILL:
Just move to the highlands
They’ll all soon become a series of islands.

PHIL:
How long will it last?

ORVILL:
That question’s been mooted;
We’re told 40 days, but the source is disputed.

PHIL:
And what about the beasts you’re planning to save?

ORVILL:
Well obviously there are some who are used to the waves,
The fish, the seabirds, the waterfowl and such
Don’t need looking after from us lot so much.
But all the mammals, that will be incredibly hard.
Of course we’ll start with the classic farmyard:
Your chickens, your sheep, your cows and your hogs,
The crew’ll be accompanied by the Blue Peter dogs.
And then it gets harder, we weren’t sure what to do,
Which animals to take, so we rang London zoo,
And instead of making an impossible selection,
They’re going to bring over their entire collection.

PHIL:
I’ll leave you to it, Orvill, good luck with the mission.
Back to you, Jill:

JILL:
Thanks Phil. What an ambition!

MARK:
I’ll be quite honest, we need a debate
On whether we let people like that procreate.

JILL:
We’re back, Mark.

MARK:
What a great plan!
If anyone is able, those fine people can!

JILL:
And now to give our viewers a chance for a snooze
We go live nationwide for the regional news.

Enter Welsh presenter behind a desk, stage left.

WELSH ANCHOR:
There aren’t any jobs, the buses were late,
Three horses escaped through a left-open gate,
The village post-office has finally been sold,
Ooh, my sister is better, it was just a cold.
The weather is just like a grey, soggy flannel.
That’s all from us, you may now change the channel.